Good Pain

I'm in a weird "space" right now. (That's sort of Omega-type talk, by the way. I now speak another language, apparently.) I don't know if it's the departure of all the part-timers that we'd gotten to know over the last 8 weeks, or if it's some campus-wide "vibe" I'm picking up on, or maybe it's just a sort of "sugar low" I'm having after consuming far too many M&Ms after lunch.

It could also have something to do with the fact that I went to what's called the Staff Sanctuary Hour today. Staff Sanctuary Hour happens periodically here on campus - up at the Sanctuary. It's an hour with either a guest speaker or Skip, the General Manager of Omega. So far, I've missed all of the previous Sanctuary Hours but since I had today off and was very curious about today's speaker, Julia Butterfly Hill, I made it a point to go. And it was good, very good. If you don't know about Julia Butterfly Hill, a remarkable woman who lived in a tree for over a year in order to take a stand against lumber companies in California, you SHOULD. (click the hyperlink on her name above to read more about some of her stuff.)

I actually left the Sanctuary feeling quite guilty about all the times I've thrown something away that could've been recycled. It doesn't happen often but it happens, and it's always just a moment of me making that choice to just be lazy. But when you hear the likes of Julia Butterfly Hill speak about being mindful and about how doing good in life will inevitably make the world better, etc. etc., then I feel a bit guilty. AND Inspired.

So, I think what's happening is a transformation. A potentially painful one - as most are. But this is actually manifesting itself in me Physically. I actually have a headache. (I rarely get headaches, unless it's a particularly bad time for sinus trouble or something. And this headache has been with me all day.) Something's going on. I'm on the cusp of breaking through. Breaking through What, I do not know. Breaking through some of the things, the habits, the thoughts, the behaviors that don't serve me. (Again, that's Omega-speak but it's true.) I'm not going to have tons of excuses anymore. I'm just going to BE the Real Me and live my truth. (Omega-ese.) It's scary and it's actually making me sick to my stomach to think about. I don't know how this will transpire and I'm frightened about my ability -or lack thereof- to maintain this stance, this mindfulness once I'm away from Omega. But it's a good and necessary transition/break-through.

But right now, I just feel sick to my stomach and hurtin' in my head.

I guess the ol' addage "no pain, no gain" must be right.